Ever After, Ever Gone
by Fallen Darkness
Summary: What Buffy could have done that would cause Angel to fall for Cordelia. Bittersweet ending. Angst. Tissue warning. BA


Title: Ever After, Ever Gone  
Author: Fallen Darkness  
Email: Hermione_Rocks@hotmail.com  
Disclaimer: Thank god I don't own them. No B/Aer could handle that many thank you notes from Spuffy fans...  
Spoilers/Timeline: Buffy and Angel's post Flooded meeting. Everything up to that point is fair game.  
Summary: What Buffy could have done that would cause Angel to fall for Cordelia. Bittersweet ending. Angst. Tissue warning.  
Dedication: For all those who need a reason why...  
  
  
  
  
Ever After, Ever Gone  
  
  
  
  
Buffy heard his car stop on the other side of the trees.  
  
He must have wavered, because it was a few minutes before she heard the door open and shut. He was around the wall of trees in a moment. As soon as her saw her he stopped, and stood, staring for a time. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it and swallowed. Finally...  
  
"Buffy."  
  
It was a breath.  
  
A song.  
  
A whisper.  
  
But she was frozen. He was here. He had called, and she had gone, and he had arrived. He was here.  
  
She...  
  
Was here.  
  
Slowly he walked toward her. Painstakingly slow.  
  
He stopped when they were almost touching and fell to his knees. He held her so tightly, so like before. She felt his tears through her clothing. She felt his sobs shake her body.  
  
She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She wanted to comfort him. She had caused him this pain. She had brought these tears to his eyes.  
  
She couldn't do any of those though. She had no tears, she had no comfort to give, she had nothing to ease his pain.  
  
After a long time, (it could have been forever... but she forgot to count.) Angel slowly stood, his body a hair's breath apart from her.  
  
"Buffy." He said again.  
  
"Oh, Buffy." He leaned in to kiss her, but at the last second Buffy tilted her head so his lips met her cheek.  
  
"I-I missed you." He began, caressing her cheek as he spoke. "You died. A-And I was still here. I... Y-You were gone. I came back and I couldn't feel you... Oh, Buffy. Oh, god, Buffy. You... I never thought I would see you again."  
  
Her gave her a tight hug. She tried to return it, but couldn't. He continued, releasing her, "I thought I couldn't go on. But I have, It hurts so bad inside everyday. It hurts sometimes more then I can bear. I- But you're here now. And..." He pauses and tries to raise her chin so that he can look into her eyes. She wouldn't... couldn't meet his eyes. He continued after a moment.  
  
"I love you Buffy. I love you some much. When you died, I wanted to die too. I wanted to walk to the sun. I-I... I love you..." He finished brokenly. Tears coming to his eyes again.  
  
She leaned forward and gently kissed him. He kissed her back desperately. After a moment Buffy pulled away and leaned her forehead against his. His breathing was erratic.  
  
Angel said softly, "I love you Buffy Summers. I want to be with you. I don't care what we risk. I want to see you every day. I want to be a part of your life again. I want my life to be with you. I love you."  
  
After a long moment, she whispered back to him. She said the only thing she could. The only thing that might give her peace. "Kill me."  
  
He stiffened and jerked away from her, disbelief in his eyes. "B-Buffy?"  
  
"Angel, Kill me." She cried. The first hints of fire a she hadn't felt in forever were creeping back into her voice. "I want you to kill me. I can't bear this life. It hurts SO much. I have to do everything and I can't! I don't- I can't be HERE. I was THERE, and now I'm not."  
  
"I-I can't Buffy. You can't. Why? You just came back. I need you. We need you. The WORLD needs you! How can you want to died?" Angel yelled back at her. Hurt and pain radiating from his voice.  
  
"I want to die because this is HELL! This is my Hell. I was at peace. I was THERE. And now I'm HERE! And it hurts. And I DON"T CARE!" Buffy stepped forward and grabbed his head. She pulled it down to her neck. "Drink me Angel! DRAIN me!" Angel shoved her away. She found her footing and grabbed the lapels of his jacket, pulling his face close to hers. She screamed. "I want to get way! I want to go and NEVER come back! I want to feel the pain of death! I want them to burn my body to ashes and then burn the ashes to dust! I want to leave and never come back because it HURTS!"  
  
She took a released him and stumbled away, her voice low and pained; she continued as tears ran down both their cheeks. "I want the world to swallow me whole, Angel. I was in Heaven and now I'm not. I want to go back," She whimpered. "I have to. I can't survive. I wake up in the morning and the sun is shining into my room. All I can think of all day is the pain. Everyday, when the sun shines into my room, I get out of bed and pull the curtains closed. When I go to the Magic Box, I watch all the people going past. All I can think is that I'm not one of them anymore. No matter how hard their lives are, it can always get worse. They don't know the pain that's out there, Angel. They don't know the pain that's in here..." She clasped her chest. "YOU don't even know how bad it can hurt Angel. I know you hurt, but I hurt worse. I want you to end it. I want you to kill me. I feel everything, and can't feel anything... I'm already dead. But I'm still here. I want the pain to go away. The world doesn't need me. NO ONE needs me. I'll be better off dead. All I've even caused is pain. THE WORLD WANTS ME GONE, ANGEL! And I want to be gone too..."  
  
Angel looks into her eyes. She's finally let him see them. He says so softly that she can barely hear, "What about me? I love you Buffy. I love you so much. I know it's wrong. And I know I shouldn't. But I do. Buffy, if I killed you then I'd die too. The world needs you. If you're here, then there IS a reason. If you are here, then you aren't done yet. It's never over Buffy! Don't you see that? Death is an escape for some, but not for us. We're warriors Buffy. It's every day. It always comes and it never ends. It'll keep coming no matter how bad it hurts. It's every night and it's every day. All you can do is block the way, so the people out there never know how dark it gets. The world needs you Buffy. I need you..."  
  
Buffy sobbed and backed away from him, He was right. She wanted them to never know. She wanted Dawn grow up and never know. She wanted everyone to go to sleep, safe, in their own beds and never have to worry if there'll be another sunrise.  
  
"I-I-I..." Buffy broke down.  
  
Angel caught her before she hit the ground. He held her tightly as she cried. "Angel?" She whispered.  
  
"Yeah?" He whispered back.  
  
"I love you."  
  
"Me too."  
  
Gently they kissed. After a minute they pulled away from each other.  
  
"Angel, we can't." He opened his mouth to protest, but she placed a hand over his lips and continued, "I love you so much. I will ALWAYS love you."  
  
"But?" He asked softly, looking into her pain filled eyes.  
  
"But... This can never be anything again. If the world needs us, then we can't have each other. I want you to be happy, not too happy, but happy. You can't have that with me. And I can't have that with you. With us... It's all or nothing. We can't have all. I don't know if we ever can." Tears ran down her face. And his. "All we can have is nothing... I will ALWAYS remember you, Angel. I could never forget. When the world stops needing us, if there is any part of us worth having left, then we can have it all. But until then, if then ever comes, all we can have is nothing. It HAS to be this way, God, I wish there was another way, but it's always all or nothing."  
  
Angel was silent. He held her tighter to him. "It'll never be over," She whispered in his ear, "But it has to stop."  
  
Slowly they stood, holding tightly to each other. Slowly Angel asked, "Can you still call me if you ever need help?"  
  
"Always..." Was her only reply.  
  
They kissed one last time. Desperately, they clutched at each other. Too soon, it was over, and they pulled apart.  
  
"I'll always love you Buffy. I can never stop."  
  
"I know. I never WILL stop, Angel. I love you."  
  
Buffy pressed a chaste kiss his to his lips and slowly stepped away. She turned and walked to a gap in the wall of trees that surrounded the clearing they were in. His voice called out to her.  
  
"You still my girl?"  
  
She paused and looked back at Angel.  
  
"Always."  
  
And the she was gone.  
  
  
  
fin 


End file.
